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The Infernal Triangle - Communication Killer
Bob Ryan, About Purpose, Inc. ©2004
Triangles tend to have a bad reputation. There’s the Bermuda Triangle – a region of ocean in which more ships have been lost than anywhere else in the world. There’s The Golden Triangle – an area bordering Thailand from where much of the world’s supply of opium used to originate. And there’s the Love Triangle – that dreaded condition in which one’s affection is torn between two lovers. Destructive as these are, none threatens our business lives as much as The Infernal Triangle. Let me explain.
The Infernal Triangle is the name I give to what I find to be the most insidious, dangerous condition existing in most of our workplaces. It’s an infectious malady in which people talk to each other about their problems with someone else rather than directly to that someone. It breeds mistrust, anger, and fear even while it is destroying basic communication around everyday work related issues. It is a first cousin to gossip, but I believe it is even more debilitating in the workplace.
Simply put, The Infernal Triangle exists when I have a complaint or problem about or with you. But instead of telling you directly about it, I go and complain to someone else. The effect? I rob you of any chance to explain yourself, or even to correct your behavior if you were in the wrong. I duck my own responsibility to handle problems. I create a blaming and shaming environment instead of a problem solving one. In addition, I sully your reputation with the third person and put him/her in a very awkward situation.
No good can come out of this. Here are some practical (though not easy) steps to take to correct and avoid The Infernal Triangle.
If you are the triangle maker, stop it. Recognize that what you are doing is cowardly, destructive, and terribly disrespectful to everyone around you.
If you are the receiver of the triangle maker’s complaints, don’t listen. Politely stop the person – in mid-sentence if necessary – and tell him that it is much more helpful to all if he would please go directly to the other party and talk about his issues. Then be adamant about not participating in the triangle. Show him this article if that would help.
If you are the supervisor of either of these two sides of an active triangle, confront the behavior immediately as disrespectful and harmful to the workplace. Insist that the triangle maker work it out directly with the other party and coach the receiver how to not get caught up in the triangle. I recommend addressing communication issues like these in your employee handbook. (You may want to consult a lawyer, but if you do not have a way of dealing with these types of problems, you could be opening yourself up to very real charges of creating a hostile work environment.)
Finally, if you are the “other party,” and you hear about the triangle maker, please go directly to him and be assertive and respectful. Ask him directly if he has complaints about your behavior and offer to talk with him directly about it. If he agrees, you have stopped the triangle and taught him an alternative way to deal with problems. If he refuses, tell him politely that you expect he would no longer talk about you behind your back now that you have given him this opportunity to constructively solve your problems.
These steps are reactive, in nature. If you want to be proactive, you can build an environment in which The Infernal Triangle is much less likely to rear its ugly head. Speak out often about respect and the need for direct communication. Model effective problem solving and create an atmosphere in which conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth and creativity. Provide a forum in which staff can safely and constructively ask questions and search for win-win solutions.
There is no workplace anywhere that is immune to The Infernal Triangle. All of us must be alert to the tendency for people to use this very passive/aggressive method of dealing with conflict. And just to be on the safe side, steer clear of that area of the Atlantic forming a triangle between Florida, Puerto Rico and Bermuda.