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How to Disagree - Without Being Disagreeable
Bob Ryan, About Purpose, Inc. ©2007
Did you ever wonder why some people are so easy to talk with (even when you disagree), while you tend to avoid sharing any thoughts with others?
Or maybe you’ve noticed that people rarely disagree with you, or avoid talking with you altogether.
Communication would be much more productive and more enjoyable if we could learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Here are six steps to making disagreements more agreeable.
Think – don’t talk
A brief pause, a thoughtful tilt of the head: these go a long way toward keeping you from being drawn into a fight. Take a few seconds to separate out your feelings from the facts; the person from the issues. Consider your words carefully so that they create a constructive, conversational event. Above all, avoid making an ad hominem response – that is, one that attacks or marginalizes the person or persons involved in the issue. (“Those left-wing, bleeding heart liberals think everyone’s a victim.”)
Ask – don’t assume
The most important communication skill anyone can learn is the asking of good questions. An excellent opening into any controversial subject is an open-ended question that invites the other person to explain what s/he believes about a subject. You avoid making wrong assumptions while at the same time understanding more about what’s behind the other’s stance.
Validate – don’t trivialize
To make any conversation more constructive, it is best that the participants feel valued and respected. There are many ways to do this. Either focus on the person (“I always learn so much from our discussions, so I want to understand more about what you’re saying.”) or focus on the issue (“That is a very interesting way of looking at this. I don’t think I’ve ever considered it.”)
Suggest – don’t declare
When you have thought out what you want to say, and have made an effort to understand the other’s view, it’s time to weigh in with your own opinion. How you do this can either be a conversation killer or an invitation to a rewarding and respectful discussion. State your thoughts so that they open up dialogue. “Another way to look at this might be...” “Based on the experiences I’ve had with this, I tend to feel...”
Open up – don’t be guarded
The trick to being easy to talk with is no trick at all; rather it is in presenting yourself with a healthy humility – an openness to learn. Establishing a position often forces you to defend it, whereas exploring your interests promotes creative dialogue.
Create – don’t destroy
Finally, whether or not you have found grounds for agreement, end the discussion on a positive note. Keep the door open for future dialogue and relationship building. (Now do you see why it was so important not to attack the person?) Agree to disagree and further validate the person. “While we don’t see eye-to-eye on this issue, I have found discussing it with you opens my eyes and challenges my views. I hope we have other opportunities to talk.”
Use these techniques, and you will find not only will people enjoy talking with you, but you may find yourself more successful in working disagreements through to mutually constructive action.